Keeping our secret from everyone was one of the hardest
things we have ever had to do. Not only did we want to see your excited faces
and have you share in our incredible joy but both Jesse and I wanted to share
how good God has been to both of us. Good is not the right word. Merciful, patient,
graceful, compassionate would be a better description of how our Father has
blessed us.
For anyone who has tried for a child and anxiously waited
month after month for that positive test, you understand the disappointment and
fear that starts to rule over everything. I began to think it would never
happen to us, that maybe God was punishing us for something we had done or not
done. So many months that would pass by I would cry myself to sleep praying
ceaselessly for stronger faith and more patience. During our first few months
and in the midst of one of those prayers, God whispered back to me “I will
breathe life into you.” I held on to those words like a life preserver in the
middle of the turbulent waves. He didn’t set a timetable on His promise and I
knew it would not be my own, but it was still a promise from God and He is
faithful to His word.
Jesse and I sat through so many sermons at Journey that we
felt so deeply were meant for where our hearts were at. We learned about admitting
our weaknesses and our inability to control situations. We heard the desperate
cries of Hannah for a child and her patience and season of waiting. We inscribed
words on our hearts to build up hope and remind us of who all gifts come from. We
rejoiced in the truth that the Spirit would intercede for us with our groaning
that could not be put in to words. We found comfort in the knowledge that every
tear was accounted for and God heard every whispered prayer. We recognized that
having children naturally may not be in God’s plan for us but that there were
other options.
As we followed the next step in our doctor’s plan, we both went
through testing and received news that while not completely discouraging was
not the good news we were hoping for. With heavy hearts we scheduled a consult
to plan out our options for surgery for me and what would come next. The
Saturday before our appointment, Jesse went out for groceries, leaving me
upstairs to put away the laundry with Sookie. I felt a calmness in my spirit
and a gentle voice telling me to go and take a pregnancy test. I laughed at the
voice, much like Sarah must have laughed at her good news. I took the last
dollar store pregnancy test we had in the drawer and seconds later was digging
out the box from the trash can to find out what two lines meant. My heart
exploded with joy and gratitude and humility that God would bless us with a
child. Our appointment that was meant for fear and worry and discouragement
became an appointment of great excitement and praise as we watched our child
appear on the screen and heard the sweet music of a heartbeat.
Just like Gideon still turned to fear even after God had
promised him victory, I still turn back to my doubts from time to time. I still
believe that I will wake up and this will all have been a dream. I fear that at
my next appointment they will say they made a mistake and there was never
actually a child. I choose fear because it’s what I know instead of grasping on
to the sweet freedom that Jesus offers me daily. He has been so patient with my
doubts and my weaknesses, gently reminding me of His promises all along the
way. I continue to pray for my heart to not give in to fear. I pray for those
couples who have tried for children much longer than Jesse and I waited. I pray
for their hearts, for renewed hope and strength, and for people around them to
be an encouragement to their spirits.
I am so thankful that God has answered this prayer. I am
thankful that He taught us so much about dependence on Him and patience during
this season in our lives. I am thankful of how He has added to our testimony. We
are just at the beginning of this amazing new journey in our lives and I am so
grateful that we have all of you to help us.
