Our journey

Keeping our secret from everyone was one of the hardest things we have ever had to do. Not only did we want to see your excited faces and have you share in our incredible joy but both Jesse and I wanted to share how good God has been to both of us. Good is not the right word. Merciful, patient, graceful, compassionate would be a better description of how our Father has blessed us.

For anyone who has tried for a child and anxiously waited month after month for that positive test, you understand the disappointment and fear that starts to rule over everything. I began to think it would never happen to us, that maybe God was punishing us for something we had done or not done. So many months that would pass by I would cry myself to sleep praying ceaselessly for stronger faith and more patience. During our first few months and in the midst of one of those prayers, God whispered back to me “I will breathe life into you.” I held on to those words like a life preserver in the middle of the turbulent waves. He didn’t set a timetable on His promise and I knew it would not be my own, but it was still a promise from God and He is faithful to His word.

Jesse and I sat through so many sermons at Journey that we felt so deeply were meant for where our hearts were at. We learned about admitting our weaknesses and our inability to control situations. We heard the desperate cries of Hannah for a child and her patience and season of waiting. We inscribed words on our hearts to build up hope and remind us of who all gifts come from. We rejoiced in the truth that the Spirit would intercede for us with our groaning that could not be put in to words. We found comfort in the knowledge that every tear was accounted for and God heard every whispered prayer. We recognized that having children naturally may not be in God’s plan for us but that there were other options.

As we followed the next step in our doctor’s plan, we both went through testing and received news that while not completely discouraging was not the good news we were hoping for. With heavy hearts we scheduled a consult to plan out our options for surgery for me and what would come next. The Saturday before our appointment, Jesse went out for groceries, leaving me upstairs to put away the laundry with Sookie. I felt a calmness in my spirit and a gentle voice telling me to go and take a pregnancy test. I laughed at the voice, much like Sarah must have laughed at her good news. I took the last dollar store pregnancy test we had in the drawer and seconds later was digging out the box from the trash can to find out what two lines meant. My heart exploded with joy and gratitude and humility that God would bless us with a child. Our appointment that was meant for fear and worry and discouragement became an appointment of great excitement and praise as we watched our child appear on the screen and heard the sweet music of a heartbeat.

Just like Gideon still turned to fear even after God had promised him victory, I still turn back to my doubts from time to time. I still believe that I will wake up and this will all have been a dream. I fear that at my next appointment they will say they made a mistake and there was never actually a child. I choose fear because it’s what I know instead of grasping on to the sweet freedom that Jesus offers me daily. He has been so patient with my doubts and my weaknesses, gently reminding me of His promises all along the way. I continue to pray for my heart to not give in to fear. I pray for those couples who have tried for children much longer than Jesse and I waited. I pray for their hearts, for renewed hope and strength, and for people around them to be an encouragement to their spirits.

I am so thankful that God has answered this prayer. I am thankful that He taught us so much about dependence on Him and patience during this season in our lives. I am thankful of how He has added to our testimony. We are just at the beginning of this amazing new journey in our lives and I am so grateful that we have all of you to help us.