Goodbye

Dear Ron,

Today I am going to have to say goodbye to you and I need to be honest with you, I’m not ready. I don’t know that I would ever have been ready for it, but now? Today? It’s far too soon for this to happen.

I want you to know that before I met you, the idea of in laws terrified me. I was so worried about saying the wrong thing or making a fool of myself, but you instantly accepted me. Without conditions, without questions, you loved me and welcomed me into your family. I never told you how much that meant to me but I’m hoping that you knew.

I can’t help but be angry about this. I’m angry that I can’t make sense of this senseless situation. I’m angry that we didn’t have longer with you. I’m angry that my son is going to grow up without you around. I’m angry that your son will have to do the same. I’m angry that the perfect surround sound memory that I have of your laughter is going to fade slowly over time to where I will hardly remember it no matter how tightly I hold on to it. But that anger is not going to bring you back and it is not what you would want for me.

Sometimes the memories sneak up on me and take me by surprise. All of the sudden I’m back at our wedding reception trying to keep up with you on the dance floor. Or I’m sitting around the table with family savoring your world famous Ronnie burgers. I can so clearly hear you say “Hey sweetheart” when I would get out of the car in your driveway. I can see the way you would tear up when you would talk about how proud you were of your son and how much you love your grandson.

My heart is overwhelmed with sadness. You never got to hear Elijah say “Granddaddy Ron” but I’m sure it would melt you heart the way it does mine. You won’t be there at birthdays or holidays, ball games or weddings. Losing you is a startling reminder at how fragile life is. It is a painful prompt to tell the ones we love how important they are to us every day, to speak love to those around us, and that is what you would want for us.

Thank you for every happy memory that you gave Jesse. I want to thank you even for the unhappy ones because all of who he is goes into who he wants to be as a father. He always wanted to make you proud and I’m so glad that he is able to hear from so many of your friends that you were truly proud of him.

Thank you for loving me and for welcoming me so warmly into the Durst family.

I love you and I will miss you terribly but I am confident in the promise that I will see you again someday.

Until we meet again, watch over us and know that 

you will always be in our hearts.

Love,

Sarah

That's just Elijah

I remember always wondering when we would first get to see our child's personality. I was so intrigued by the idea that there would be some things that would just be Elijah, not taught or seen but just him. It's been there, really, all along but lately it seems every day he does something new that we laugh and say, that's just Elijah. I wanted to collect a list so that my poor mommy brain will not forget all of them a few years from now.

1. He loves his belly button. He will play with it, show it to you, anxiously look for it when wearing a onesie, and calm himself when he can find it again.

2. He plays in the crib before falling asleep. Sometimes he walks across it like Frankenstein and sometimes he plays peek-a-boo all by himself, all completely in the dark. 

3. One of his first real words was his name. He still says it perfectly and even believes that he can spell it. It sounds like E-Ah-E-Ah Elijah. But he's very convinced that he's spelling it. Sometimes when I spell words that I don't want him to hear like e-a-t or d-i-n-n-e-r he will start spelling his name. So precious.

4. He puts his phone (or really any toy) up to his ear and pretends to call or talk to someone. Usually it's Gaga but sometimes it's Granddaddy.

5. Speaking of Granddaddy, he gets his very own special dance when mentioned.

6. I have always asked him "Who loves you?" when we are driving in the car. I then go through the list of loved ones, "Does mama love you? Does dadda love you? Does Grammy love you?..." and after each one he will says "Yeah." 

7. If you mention a tissue or blow your nose, he will blow his as well. In fact, if he's fussing and you ask him if he wants a tissue, it will stop the fussing in its tracks and he will immediately start blowing his nose.

8. He will say shoo shoo about his diapers and the trash.

9. He is IN LOVE and I mean obsessed with our Shark vacuum. Let's be clear now, it's only the cordless one. The other one terrifies him into a tizzy but the cordless one is his one great love. He will find it no matter where you put him down in the house and could play with it for hours. See what I mean, that's just Elijah.

10. He will bring his stuffed animals over to you and stare at you patiently until you snuggle them. He will then want to climb in your lap and snuggle as well. Heart melting. 

11. A few months ago, he started pointing at things and waiting for you to tell him what it is called. He still does this rather adamantly until you let him know what it is. Sometimes he says "dis" when he points. He can also point to an object if you ask where it is, especially the vacuum.

12. He picks up invisible pieces of trash and brings them to me to throw away. Sometimes he hands me invisible blueberries to eat out his bowl.

13. He loves to say "Addie" and "Leah," two of his cousins' names.

14. He will politely return books to the shelf when asked... if he's in the mood to do so. He will excitedly bring multiple books to be read over and over.

15. If you ask him to sing his ABC's, he will start dancing and say E-Ah-E... plus many other random sounds, believing he is singing a beautiful rendition of his favorite song.

16. Speaking of songs, when he is his most wiggly, typically during the most inopportune times to be wiggly such as diaper changing time, he will freeze immediately the minute I begin to sing him a song. It's absolutely magical. He can be fussing and thrashing around and the second I start into Dites- Moi or Edelweiss, he's completely calm and watches peacefully until the song is finished.

17. If you ask him to sing Wheels on the Bus, you get a very minion like version of that song as well with some pretty awesome dancing. 

18. His tantrums, for the most part, are totally silent and last for a few seconds. They are rather entertaining and I have contain my laughter most of the time.

19. He loves to look through photo albums or our old photo calendars. He will point to every person on every page.

20. He loves cheese, but not colby jack. He adamantly hates colby jack.

21. When he hugs, he likes to hug both sides of your body.

22. He is a climber. He will stack toys, turn toys over, drag baskets across the room in order to climb onto something or over something. 

23. He has a little stool that he loves to sit on but even more he loves to turn it upside down and squish his body down into the legs and sit in what must be a very uncomfortable position. 

24. While his words are very few, every so often he will look up at me and say "Be happy Mama." There is just nothing like that.

25. He hates Cheerios. As it turns out, he also will not eat the sweet potato puffs we bought him simply because they are also shaped like Cheerios.

26. He loves playing the piano. He will sit on the bench and just play right along with whatever is being played.

27. His go-to comfort position, thumb in mouth, hand rubbing ear.

28. One of the most special things about Elijah is that I believe he can sense when people need to feel loved. He will reach for someone or hug someone at church or when we're out that he doesn't even know but who needed it. I've watched him do it time and time again and each time it's even more special. We've always known that God would use him in amazing ways and it seems it's already beginning. 

Well that's just a very short compilation of things that aren't really new tricks and that are not going to be found in any developmental chart, but that are just Elijah. They make him unique and remind us that God made him so special and knew what joy he would bring into our lives. 

I promise at some point I will post a very late update on the last 6 months of Elijah's sweet little life. Yikes! 6 months!

A Very Late Update

Peter Pan dreamed for a world where you never have to grow up. I'm afraid I'm beginning to dream for that world too. I'm sure that it was only a few weeks ago that I was 9 months pregnant with my enormous feet propped up in a chair begging for my sporadic contractions to get closer together and now I'm sitting in the living room watching my 11 month old child practice walking.

Elijah's tenth month brought a lot of changes for us. I started back at work and he had to adjust to a very different schedule. I'm not going to lie, the first two weeks of our new routine were pretty brutal. Nicole is an absolute angel and takes such good care of my baby but I was a little worried in those weeks that I had lost my happy-go-lucky kid. He wouldn't nap, he fussed all day, and while he still slept great at night, it was unpleasant for everyone involved. Then slowly, day by day, Nicole would say he only cried for an hour and a half, and then he only cried for an hour, until over time, he would go right to sleep when he got to her house. Going back to work has not been easy but I know that he is in the best hands. He is loved, and spoiled, and taken care of so well and that is an incredible blessing to me.

At 10 months, Elijah started taking his first steps. I also got to hear the sweetest sound in the world for the first time, mama. When he says it my whole heart melts. I hope he doesn't find out about that because I'm pretty sure he could get anything he wants when he chants those sweet sounds over and over.  He still says da-da, kitty, and his most favorite word gaga. He waves hello and sometimes bye.  He also has 5 teeth, with 3 more growing in on the bottom. 

For Daniel and Jack's 4th birthday, the men of the family bonded together while building the coolest play-set ever.

Elijah helped make some cookies for Jesse for Valentine's Day.

 Many times a day Elijah will cruise over to the piano to play me a sweet little melody. It is absolutely precious. He likes it even better when I play with him. I can't wait to teach him how to play when he gets older.

 Our first big snow was definitely a special memory. Elijah had a little trouble moving around with all of his snow gear on but he was very curious about the snow.

We had an awesome visit from Sarah during the snow days. I don't know what I would have done without her teaching in the room next to me at ZES. She is so special to me and we had the best time laughing about our memories from school. 

With me video conferencing into afternoon meetings, I needed a play pen to keep my monster contained in the living room. My mom got us an amazing play pen that lets him have the freedom of the whole room while also keeping him close. Sadly, baby gates have their dangers too.

Elijah's favorite new yoga move of the month. Pretty hilarious to watch.

These two boys make my heart so happy. 

Look at my little 11 month old. 11 months! This month he has been taking multiple steps. He's getting more and more confident with his walking every day. He still says mama, dada, cat, gaga, hey, and quack. He will quack along with me when I sing Six Little Ducks. He has learned how to push his toys up against the couch so that he can climb up on it. He also has figured out how to open the play pen and crawl right on out of the room. The most exciting development of the month has been learning how to feed himself. We have tried for months to get him to to pick up food and feed himself and he has totally refused. Then out of nowhere, something clicked and now he shoves food in fistful after fistful. 

We're just a few short weeks away from a pretty monumental birthday. I'm so excited to celebrate this amazing year of our lives with our friends and family. I can't wait to watch him demolish his cupcake and play with his friends but even more than that, I'm confident that this next year is going to bring even more wonderful adventures. I love my little duck and I am so thankful that God chose me to be his mommy. 

A new adventure

40 weeks ago today, I stood sobbing at my doorway watching Jesse drive off to work for the first time since Elijah's birth. As I held my newborn close to my chest, irrational fears completely took over. I worried that somehow in one night I would run out of diapers, or that I would drop him and he would break into a million pieces.

By the end of the night, I knew 3 things for certain: babies are pretty tough, it hurts to even think about laughing after a c-section, and most importantly, I could do this. I could do this. It wasn't going to be easy, and there were still so many things I didn't know how to do, but surviving that first night gave me the confidence that I could make it. It was the beginning of an amazing adventure for me and my son.

We fell into a pretty sweet routine of sleep, bottle, diaper, play, sleep, bottle, diaper, play... I watched him go from struggling through tummy time, to working so hard to roll over the first time, to being able to get anywhere he wants to go. Now I'm watching him figure out how to take steps, make sounds, and discover more and more about this great big world.

From the moment Elijah arrived, I have dreaded leaving him to go back to work. I prayed for months, crying out for a miracle to keep me at home. We've saved every penny possible to keep me here for this long and I am so incredibly grateful for the amazing nine and half months we have spent together.

I thought for a while God was ignoring me, or telling me no. I was waiting and watching so hard for this big miracle that I was missing the little ones all along the way. So many times we worried that we wouldn't have enough, and God always provided a way. I also thought about that first night, 40 weeks ago, when my husband had to leave his new little son to go back to work, after sharing only a week together. In the midst of all of my panic, and my sadness, it dawned on me that he must have been sad too. It means so much to me that he works so hard for this family. I have an incredible husband.

God wasn't ignoring us. Sometimes a no to a prayer might be a not yet, or in our case, I have something better planned for you. Instead of going back full time, I will be a part time interventionist, something I had not even considered. On top of only working half a day away from my angel, Elijah will be with a sweet friend from church who will love him and spoil him when I can't.

Tomorrow, everything will change. Instead of morning snuggles, I will be heading to work, just as he is waking up. While I know without a doubt, that my heart will break a little as I drive away, I can't help but rejoice in how much time I had at home. I wouldn't trade a second of our memories. This isn't the end of our adventure, it's just the beginning of a new one.

Change is Coming

Can we just talk about that smile for a minute? Seriously? You might not believe me, but he pretty much spends the majority of every day smiling just like that. I hate to even say this out loud, but this guy is 9 months old. 9 months! He's been out for as long as he was in and that is crazy. 

Each month I have taken his picture with his current favorite toy. In the last few weeks he has shifted all of his love to his books. They are no longer simply chew toys but tiny cardboard marvels. It totally melts my heart when he makes a beeline for his bookshelf, finds his 3 favorites (Brown Bear Brown Bear, Sesame Street Counting with Cookie, and his Indestructible book), and slowly makes his way to me until he can scoot backwards into my lap. He patiently awaits my reading and diligently turns every page. Just when the book is finished, he gives that look that suggests he would like to hear it again, and again, and again, and you know what? I will always read it again. There will come a day when he won't need me to read his books or won't want me to snuggle with him through his 15th round of Brown Bear, so I will treasure every second of it.

This month has been a big one for my sweet boy. I started this month with dread and anxiety reminding myself every day that I was one step closer to leaving the last 9 months of snuggles and giggles to go to work. My Heavenly Father who knows how many hairs are on my head and who counts every tear that falls answered my prayers in a way that I never thought possible, but that's a different story for a different day.

At the beginning of December, we picked out our first Christmas Tree. We decided on a table top one this year. I didn't want to spend the whole month pulling Elijah out of the tree or taking ornaments out of his hands. We had a slight little mishap with the set up of our tree and I had to say goodbye to some cherished childhood ornaments.

He was a big fan of the tree. Sadly, due to our Christmas card we made this year, Elijah believes that all Christmas lights are meant to be eaten.

We had another wonderful visit from Jesse's grandmother. There were some pretty sweet snuggles between these two. 

We also had another wonderful play-date with Graeme. I love watching these two boys grow up together. They laughed and played and even learned a valuable lesson in taking turns.

Christmas Eve we went as a little family to my brother's church for their service. It was perfect, except for the moment I had the most apprehension about, the candle lighting. After warning my husband that I almost burned down my childhood church (slight exaggeration) when I dropped the candle, the paper ring around my candle slipped down right on top of my husband's lit candle. After a moment of panic and flashbacks, I was able to save the paper and the flame. When we got home, we enjoyed a little jammie story time and then off to sleep to wait for Santa.

Santa did not disappoint this family. He left the biggest, fluffiest, cuddliest bear you have ever seen for my little boy. Elijah and Nicholas are very good friends now.

We gave Elijah a book filled with pictures of people that love him. I hope some day he treasures this as much as I do.

My parents spoiled him rotten this Christmas, as any good grandparents would do. They gave him an elephant that he can push or ride around on. He loves it!

 Merry Christmas!

 We decided as a family this year that we would all spend the night at my brother's house so that the adults could stay up late and play games like we used to do B.K. (Before Kids)

We had so much fun decorating cookies and playing with gifts during the day. I love watching all of the cousins play in the same room. After the little ones' bedtimes, we stayed up late laughing and playing games. Music Catch Phrase was the best.

I swear this little boy gets cuter every single month. 

We ran into this guy at Rocket Fizz in Cary. It might just have been my imagination, but after watching Elijah smile in awe at Batman, I swear as he looked back in total adoration at his daddy he thought, "Yeah, you're Batman, but my dad is so much cooler than you."

Yes, I had just finished reading it for the millionth time, but look at this face, could you say no?

Every month has brought some new development, some new ability. He crawls now like lightning. He can stand up without any help and enjoys it immensely. He also likes holding something in both hands when he's standing up. He leans forward like he wants to take a step then quickly sits back down and crawls to what he wants. I know walking is coming soon. There are whales on his favorite blanket so I tell him every day as I am giving him his bottle what a whale says. He mimics it back to me which is pretty cute. He still says da-da, and kitty, and ga. He looks at me like he is trying to understand what I am saying. He also cried for the first time when I left him in the church nursery. As much as he has grown in these 9 months, I feel like the greatest changes are yet to come.