A new adventure

40 weeks ago today, I stood sobbing at my doorway watching Jesse drive off to work for the first time since Elijah's birth. As I held my newborn close to my chest, irrational fears completely took over. I worried that somehow in one night I would run out of diapers, or that I would drop him and he would break into a million pieces.

By the end of the night, I knew 3 things for certain: babies are pretty tough, it hurts to even think about laughing after a c-section, and most importantly, I could do this. I could do this. It wasn't going to be easy, and there were still so many things I didn't know how to do, but surviving that first night gave me the confidence that I could make it. It was the beginning of an amazing adventure for me and my son.

We fell into a pretty sweet routine of sleep, bottle, diaper, play, sleep, bottle, diaper, play... I watched him go from struggling through tummy time, to working so hard to roll over the first time, to being able to get anywhere he wants to go. Now I'm watching him figure out how to take steps, make sounds, and discover more and more about this great big world.

From the moment Elijah arrived, I have dreaded leaving him to go back to work. I prayed for months, crying out for a miracle to keep me at home. We've saved every penny possible to keep me here for this long and I am so incredibly grateful for the amazing nine and half months we have spent together.

I thought for a while God was ignoring me, or telling me no. I was waiting and watching so hard for this big miracle that I was missing the little ones all along the way. So many times we worried that we wouldn't have enough, and God always provided a way. I also thought about that first night, 40 weeks ago, when my husband had to leave his new little son to go back to work, after sharing only a week together. In the midst of all of my panic, and my sadness, it dawned on me that he must have been sad too. It means so much to me that he works so hard for this family. I have an incredible husband.

God wasn't ignoring us. Sometimes a no to a prayer might be a not yet, or in our case, I have something better planned for you. Instead of going back full time, I will be a part time interventionist, something I had not even considered. On top of only working half a day away from my angel, Elijah will be with a sweet friend from church who will love him and spoil him when I can't.

Tomorrow, everything will change. Instead of morning snuggles, I will be heading to work, just as he is waking up. While I know without a doubt, that my heart will break a little as I drive away, I can't help but rejoice in how much time I had at home. I wouldn't trade a second of our memories. This isn't the end of our adventure, it's just the beginning of a new one.