Time flies

I can't believe it's already been a month since I looked into these eyes for the first time. Many of you know that our first week in the hospital was not the blissful experience I had dreamed up. Both Elijah and I struggled with breastfeeding for many reasons and after a few days made the difficult decision to bottle feed instead. I was so stressed out by the process that I wasn't eating or sleeping and every few hours another lactation consultant would come in and tell me all about how she was going to solve our problems. Every attempt failed and left me more sore and more anxious. We prayed about our choice and when we finally decided to switch to bottles it was as if a huge weight had been lifted. Our son was going to get all the nutrients he needed and now Jesse and my friends and family could share in feeding him.

To my great disappointment it seemed as if the entire world shook its head disapprovingly and all we began to hear was "Are you sure you're okay with that decision?" and "Aren't you going to regret this?" and a multitude of other thinly veiled messages lined with guilt and failure. Even strangers in grocery stores or nurses at the pediatricians office would pause for a moment after asking if we were breastfeeding as if to remind us we had made the wrong choice in their eyes. I want to take a moment to say that if we had been able to breastfeed successfully, we would be doing it still today. It was not working. I also want to say that I am not ashamed of my decision nor do I feel like a bad mother for making it. I did at first, thanks to all of the remarks and looks we received the first few days but thanks to my incredibly supportive husband and family I was reminded that I am a bottle fed baby and I didn't turn out so bad and neither will my son. Our decision is just that, ours.

After the exhausting week in the hospital, our first week at home was just as stressful. Our little angel had his days and nights mixed up for a few days. We also had to switch to a more sensitive formula in hopes of decreasing his fussiness. We had several visits to the pediatrician because every call we made to the advice nurse made them want to check in on his weight. Every time I laid him on the scale my heart skipped a beat as the numbers were constantly increasing.  I learned the magic and joy of the swing as well as the incredible miracle powers of gripe water. Because of my c-section, I slept downstairs in the recliner with him in the swing beside me. When Elijah was 2 weeks old, we decided it was time to try out the crib. We had heard all the advice to wait longer and keep him in the room with us for six weeks but he is such a noisy sleeper and taking turns sleeping in the chair wasn't working for us anymore. During the day I put him in the crib for his naps just so he could get used to it. That night with great apprehension we placed him gently in his crib, turned on Elliot the humidifier, turned out the light and shut the door to the nursery. I set my alarm for every three hours and our baby slept like a champ.

Doesn't he look just like his daddy?

He is still sleeping great in his crib at night, many times in 5 hour stretches before waking up and politely asking for his bottle. Last night we fed him at 8:30 and he didn't ask for his next bottle until 4:30 a.m.! We're still having some challenges with feeding and have had to switch yet again to another formula. He was on Zantac but let us know every time we gave it to him how much he disliked the taste. He learned quickly how to spit out every drop. We've now switched to Prilosec which is strawberry flavored and he LOVES it. Overall he is such a good baby. He cries when he needs something and is usually easily soothed with a snuggle from mommy or a calming word from his daddy. At our appointment yesterday he weighed in at 9lb 1.5 oz which is incredible considering all the trouble we've had at feeding time.

For me, one of the most incredible things about being a mom is seeing how he changes every single day. I love waiting to see what new thing he is going to learn how to do. He is smiling much more often now. He will turn his head to follow me with his eyes as I move around the room. He used to just stare at the toucan on our play gym but now he reaches out and attempts to grab on to it. He can roll to his side and to our great joy, when he does get fussy at night in his crib, he can soothe himself back to sleep.

That deep and intense love that everyone told us about was not instantaneous for me. At first all I felt was overwhelmed and afraid that I would never be the mom he needed me to be. Every day with lots of prayer and lots of encouragement and love from my husband I let go of my fear a little more and gave in to falling head over heels in love with this little miracle. I stare at him for hours during the day just studying every feature. My heart melts with each smile and I count every second with him precious to me.

This entire process has revealed so much about God's love for us to me. He is faithful to His promises, He is patient with our shortcomings, and He is above all good. It makes me think of the verse in Luke that says "But Mary treasured up all these things, pondering them in her heart." I love the word treasured. Its definition is to keep carefully or value greatly. I treasure up every moment with our sweet blessing and while I know that the second month will bring its own new challenges, I celebrate with joy the one month that we have shared with our Elijah.